Any of you familiar with the inner workings of teh internets will have no doubt heard of Google Analytics, she the beast that is Google has trust upon us a piece of software that is as addictive as a cake made with heroin and pornography and I now find myself on a hourly basis clicking that bookmark that says adwords.google.com.

The tease that she is has decided that the first thing we shall see is the Campaign Management screen, this ditty is about as exciting as Aonghus McNally in leopard-skin underpants, however utopia is but a click away and selecting that little link that says 'Analytics' we are instantly thrust into an orgasmic display of site related information presented in an array of pie charts, graphs and maps with little dots on them.

'What would I like' she asks me..."Oh baby give me some red hot 'Referring Source' action" I scream back at the dirty little minx, and without so much as a blush she whacks my hard drive with the detailed data and leaves me sweating, shivering and begging for more....

It's the same story every year, some old idiot displaying a socio-economic insight that would cause Donald Trump to rub himself in a suggestive manner quips up that Christmas is starting earlier this year.

Well here I am, however I'm saying that this year, unlike last year or the year before, Hallow'een is starting earlier.

On my last regularly scheduled weekend back in Dublin I noticed something. Even though it was only the first weekend of October it sounded like downtown Baghdad. Children these days are armed to the teeth when it comes to fireworks. And the average Northside council estate posesses more firepower than the entire military might of say, the Isle of Man.

When I was a young boy the build up to Hallow'een for me was about getting used car tyres for the bonfire, hiding my cat from the poor kids living in Dominic's Park and going to Dublin to buy bangers and sparklers, for kids these days it's all about falling beneath the radar of Hans Blix and avoiding George W's 'Axis of Terriers'. Even the most lethal of fireworks in my day, the elusive and mythical 'Crow Banger' pales into insignificance when compared to some of the beasts kids are launching into the Dublin sky nowadays.

Haggard parents obsessed getting themselves further into debt are heading northwards where decomissioned arms are being sold from the backs of 40' containers from enterprising Northerners before rushing homewards to cause untold damage to the foundations of their state-owned abode with colourfully named 'Big Bettys' or 'Chinese Dreams'.

One final note. Does it not sink into the average Dublin dog's head that on, say the fifteenth night of cotinued fireworks that these explosions are the norm? Really dogs, there is absolutely no point barking, it's no big secret, we can hear the fireworks too, however thank you for alerting us to it. You are truly earned man's smartest companion.